There is an Indian legend which says: "when a human dies there is a bridge they must cross to enter into heaven. At the head of that bridge waits every animal that human encountered during their lifetime. The animals, based upon what they know of this person, decide which humans may cross the bridge.... and which are turned away..."

* 8 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

* 9:30 AM--Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

* 9:40 AM--Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

* 10:30 AM--Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

* 11:30 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

* 12 Noon--Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

* 1 PM--Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

* 4 PM--Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

* 5:30 PM--Oh, boy! Pretty mums! My favorite!

* 6 PM--Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

* 6:30 PM--Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

* 8:30 PM--Oh, boy! Sleeping in my master's bed! My favorite!

DAY 70 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 71 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 72 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 73 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm not working according to plan!

DAY 74 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 75 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to their fear of my "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 76 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

How to give a cat a pill....

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ****ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to call to give cat pill.

Rules cats live by....

BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it.

After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is
as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known
as "hampering."

Following are the rules for "hampering":

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book,unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but
every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard,
bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms,
hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help
their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of
the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their
toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find
you.

Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will
cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away
or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and
kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their
face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it
often. And don't forget guests!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it furniture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and ....
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

My dog and I live in this house. You are welcome to come and visit me anytime but we have a few things that you must understand before you visit:

You must expect a few dog hairs to stick to your clothes. I vacuum and clean on a regular basis, but a Dog lives in this house too.

You may be licked and given a paw a few times but he does this because he loves people and wants to say "Hello", so if you feel that you are too good for his love then you may not feel welcome here because this is his home too.

My dog is well mannered and very clean but if you are one of those people who think ALL animals are dirty and smelly then you and I will probably have difficulty feeling comfortable during your visit.

If you don't like the sound of barking, then my home is not likely to be a pleasant place for you. My dog protects me by letting me know I have a visitor. Whether it be a friend or uninvited stranger. If you are a friend, my dog will consider you his friend too but if you are an unwelcome guest, my dog will protect me with his life as I would his.

Do not expect me to lock my dog in another room during your visit. I have trained my dog well so he will not do anything to you except maybe want a pat on the head. I will not subject him to feel as if he is being punished by locking him away for no reason. That would just be cruel.

When you walk in my home, be careful not to trip on a squeaky toy or a bone. These are my dog's little treasures and I will not take them away from him just to show you that I keep a clean house. He knows where all his toys are. They may not look like much to you, but to him, they are worth more than gold.

You see, This is OUR home. We have been together for a long time. I raised him into a well mannered, beautifully behaved dog. I am proud of him.

I consider him my personal gift from God. He has done nothing but give me his endless love and devotion for many years. I love him dearly and want to make his years happy ones. As happy as he makes mine.

When you go home to your family, he stays here with me. A fine and loving companion. He is MY family and I wouldn't change that for the world.

When I was sick, he stayed right by my side as I did his when he was not having a good day. A better friend I could not ask for. When no one else cared, my Dog did. He has given me nothing but pure joy and I love him endlessly.

So please understand that I am not being rude. I'm just looking out for my best friend

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you will be
painful for me. Remember that before you get me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. You
have your work, entertainment, and friends. I only have you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I
understand your voice.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget.

7. Please don't hit me. I can't hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I
really don't want to do that. You always win that fight.

8. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask
yourself if something might be bothering me. I don't speak your language. Perhaps
I'm not getting the right foods, or I've been out in the sun too long, or my
heart is getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You will grow old too one day. You'll
hope someone cares.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch" or
"let it happen in my absence". Everything is easier for me if you are there.

Remember, I love you.

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person.

Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a human."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog." just smile, because they "just don't understand."

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
With no thought of the dog filling their heads.

And mum in her kerchief, and dad in his cap,
Knew he was cold but didn’t care about that.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Figuring he was free of his chain and into the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When what, to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Santa Claus - and his eyes full of tears.

He unchained the dog once so lively and quick,
Last year’s Christmas present, now painfully thin and sick.

More rapid than eagles he called the dogs name.
And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain.

"Now DASHER!
Now DANCER!
Now PRANCER and VIXEN!!
On COMET!
On CUPID!
On DONER and BLITZEN!!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Let’s find this dog a home where he’s loved by all."

I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year
For Santa Claus had made one thing quite clear...

The gift of a dog is not just for a season.
We had got the poor pup for all the wrong reasons.

In our haste to think of the kids a gift
There was one important thing that we missed.

A dog should be family and cared for the same.
You don’t give a gift then put it on a chain.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"You weren’t given a gift! You were given a life!"

When boredom set in with no fun and no work,
One day it broke loose and went quietly berserk
Pa couldn't fathom just why it went wild,
As it flattened his wife and then bit his child.

The police were called in to sort out the mess,
And the whole sorry tale was revealed by the press,
The Rescue Society was really annoyed,
So, the dog was re-homed -- and the owners destroyed.